I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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