Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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