My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
