rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize