apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
