My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
