She said her name was "party"
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
