The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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