I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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