Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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