I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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