My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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