my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
