I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
