You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
