he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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