I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
