If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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