That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
