every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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