I wish my penis had an off switch
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
