Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You are the jesus of drinking
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
that may or may not have been my penis.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
