Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She bit a glass in half.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
