I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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