The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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