He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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