so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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