I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
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