oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
