i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
