I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
