the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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