I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
ttyl tear gas
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
