I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
