The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Randomize
