My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
