I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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