It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
