...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
