I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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