i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
