dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
