like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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