She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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