Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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