I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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