Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
this boner is exhausting
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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