Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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