His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
