I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
