he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
