A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
