i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
