I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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