So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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