I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
