he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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