one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Randomize
