he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
