pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
