Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
