somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
