About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
