I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize