Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Come on in and take your pants off
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