1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
