I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize