i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
