if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
